Writing 101: Page Critique - Vintagegirl

Every Thursday the Writing 101 crew, Michael and Lauren, will critique a page from a novel. If you'd like your page critiqued, please fill out the Writing 101: Page Critique Form. We have submissions queued up but are still posting just one page a week, so if you've submitted but haven't seen your page yet, don't panic! ;) Stay tuned. Also, you can read the previous submission.

First we present the page without comment:

Author: vintagegirl
Title: Fitz
Genre: Contemporary YA
1st Page (293 words) 

After her death, it snowed for the first time in years. 
It was the first September morning and the sun had hidden behind thick layers of mist and wet snow. Alex Emerson watched it from his bed as he tried to rid his head of thoughts and feelings. It was easy enough not to think, but much harder to get rid of the void that filled his stomach. Trying to concentrate on the falling flakes and figuring out why they were white didn’t help, either. 

Nothing helped. Everything reminded him of her. 

Her name had been Beth. Beth Farlow. Mrs. Farlow, whom he had never really known, had come round their house a day after it had happened. Her eyes had been bloodshot cracks in her face when she asked him why her daughter had to die at seventeen. Because she had, for one second, been careless in crossing the railroad tracks. He hadn’t told her that a train had hit Beth Farlow because she had thrown herself in front of it. Because she had thought that seventeen was seventeen years too many to live. 

He had been in his bed ever since it happened three days ago. His mother had gone through his room, taking away all sharp objects and things that could be turned into sharp objects. So that his room was a safe haven where he couldn’t hurt himself. So that he was stuck inside his own isolated hell, feeling nothing and unable to get rid of the constant need to do what Beth did.
He hadn’t gone to school. He intended not to until everyone had forgotten about Beth and gone back to their stupid lives. Or at least until they had gotten the ridiculous memorial service over with.

What say you, readers of Paper Hangover? Did this first page intrigue you enough to read on? Please keep your criticisms constructive. Always be polite and considerate of the writer. 

Michael's and Lauren's line by line edits and then our overall comments after the jump.

Writing 101: Page Critique

Every Thursday the Writing 101 crew, Michael and Lauren, will critique a page from a novel. If you'd like your page critiqued, please fill out the Writing 101: Page Critique Form.

First we present the page without comment:

Author: Jenny Kaczorowski
Title: Rivers Underneath
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
1st Page (245 words)

Emma watched a cluster of mourners gather around the fresh grave at the foot of the hilly cemetery, curling and uncurling her fingers into her palms. The black-clad figures clung to one another, finding comfort in knowing they didn’t mourn alone. Comfort Emma couldn’t share. Their shock and grief and anger pounded against her, even across the distance.

The wind shaped Emma’s dark hair into softly waving tendrils and she brushed it away with the back of her hand. She shifted her feet and the frozen dew clinging to the grass crackled under her.

Emma knew she should join the other mourners. She knew they expected her to share in their public display of sorrow.

But she couldn’t.

The slightest touch, the slightest betrayal of emotion and she would lose everything. Even a hug, meant to console, could send her spiraling out of control.

She remained frozen, a silent witness to their grief. She saw every detail in stunning clarity. The lurid green of the carpet covering the hole in the ground and the cold, dead coffin that held her best friend. The sky, the same colorless grey as her eyes, burned in her mind. Overwhelming sorrow surrounded her, but she refused to absorb any of it.

Her parents were worried. Not that she blamed them. She’d never handled loss well. She’d nearly self-destructed when Gabriel left four years earlier. And he’d only moved away.

Lily was dead.

Unbidden, an image rose before her eyes.

What say you, readers of Paper Hangover? Did this first page intrigue you enough to read on? Please keep your criticisms constructive. Always be polite and considerate of the writer.

Michael's and Lauren's red line edits and then our overall comments after the jump.

Writing 101: Page Critique - Ciara

Every Thursday the Writing 101 crew, Michael and Lauren, will critique a page from a novel. If you'd like your page critiqued, please fill out the Writing 101: Page Critique Form.

Congratulations to Ciara for being our very first page critique. First we present the page without comment:

Author: Ciara
Title: Untitled
Genre: Contemporary YA
1st Page (273 words)

I’m pretty sure my sister had decided to become a pagan or a Baptist or something before she off’d herself so I don’t know why we were having a Catholic funeral. I don’t believe in hell and she didn’t either, obviously, but I wonder when I see all these sad puffy eyed faces how many of them believe she’s burning now. Everyone says with their wringing hands that it’s such a waste but how long would she have to stay miserable to satisfy them? Maybe they only remember how she used to be before she got lost.

Our house is empty now of all the sombre tourist mourners paying to gape at our tragedy with their thoughtful lasagnes and endless pots of coffee. The ghost of condolences and morbid curiosity is hanging in the air on their stale cigarette smoke. But we’re alone now in this house separated by the gulf of our secret thoughts. Every day since she died has been leading up to the funeral and now that it’s all over I don’t know what we’re supposed to do. I don’t know if I’m allowed to go back in our room. My stomach turns over remembering how I used to wail about the unfairness of having to share a room with someone who would try to make my bed while I was sleeping in it and wave my own dirty socks in my face as proof that I never pick up after myself. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa since she died and no one has told me to go to bed so I guess that means I’m not supposed to.

What say you, readers of Paper Hangover? Did this first page intrigue you enough to read on? Please keep your criticisms constructive. Always be polite and considerate of the writer.

Michael's and Lauren's red line edits and then our overall comments after the jump.

Writing 101: A Few Revision Tips

My last post was about finishing your book. But what happens next?

I hesitated to do a revision post because there are so many methods and nothing works for everyone. But after giving it some thought I did come up with a few guidelines that apply to most revision situations, no matter your preferred method.


1. Print your manuscript out.

I know I just got done saying that nothing works for everyone, but if there were one rule that came close to universal it'd be this! If you've never tried to edit a hard copy of something you wrote on a computer, you might not believe what a difference it can make. But trust me, it does. There's just something about looking at a computer screen that makes your brain want to skim, and you won't notice things you would in print.

For best results, change the font to something other than what you write in. Make sure it's a font that's easy on the eyes and has a clear distinction among letters and different types of punctuation. (My personal favorite is Tahoma.)

It costs money, but I swear it's worth it. Assuage your guilt about killing trees by printing on recycled paper and/or recycling the manuscript when you're done.


2. Get a second opinion, and a third and fourth if needed.

I'm not one of those people who insists you need fifteen complete strangers to give you feedback on your manuscript. I think too many beta readers can be counterproductive, even, because eventually you'll hear so many conflicting opinions you'll confuse yourself.

But you should show someone what you've done. Whether it's a crit partner you find online, a friend who's honest and an avid reader, or your agent. You want someone who will give you feedback on the structure and content of the novel, not just look for typos. In a future post I'll give advice for how to receive and work with critiques, but for now, just make sure you have some!


3. Approach revisions theoretically.

(This idea comes from my twitter buddy @corinneduyvis. Thank you, Corinne! :D)

Revision can be one hell of a daunting task. Some people love it because it gives them a chance to finally make their book good, but I'm not one of those people. I'm lazy and like to write for fun, so I'm definitely more into first drafts.

Corinne suggests that when you read over your book, pretend it's someone else's and that you will not actually have to make any changes. Ask yourself what would, in theory, make this book better. This way you're not thinking about the work involved or how exactly you're going to fix problems, but just doing a diagnostic run. I usually make a written list of things that need improvement so I don't forget or slack off on any of them.


4. Decide when you're going to stop.

The sneaky thing about revisions? They never really end. No matter how many times you go back to your manuscript, no matter how much you polish it, no matter how many people tell you it's great -- you can find things to tinker with. Hannah Moskowitz says she doesn't read her published books specifically so she doesn't make herself crazy seeing stuff she can't change.

So you're going to have to make yourself stop at some point. I accomplish this by revising in chunks -- I typically do an initial revision by myself, then a second one taking into account my beta readers' suggestions, and finally a third to look for typos and cut unnecessary words. And then I tell myself hands off until my agent or an editor requests otherwise.

Come up with your own system for putting the brakes on revision, whether it's setting a deadline or giving yourself a set number of revisions to work with. There's no magic point at which a book becomes the best you can possibly make it, so you've gotta make one up.


5. Line edits are important.

Yes, unfortunately! Although there are a few of us weirdos who enjoy line edits (high five to everyone who finds continuity errors in published books!), most people dread them and find them grueling. But it's part of your job. Yes, if you are published, you will have an editor and a copyeditor. But your writing still needs to be near professional quality to catch anyone's attention.

If you can't tell a comma splice from a hole in the ground, go back to step two: get feedback. There are numerous websites and online critique groups where you can specifically request someone to help you with grammar and tiny details. (Like me. I WILL notice if you changed your character's eye color from blue to brown.)

And one more thing: can't hurt to use your word processor's spell checker! I turn it off while writing because I can't stand those squiggly red lines, but I do run a check on every draft. It catches lots of ridiculous things like "boookstore" and "He he said..."


Thank you for reading, and good luck revising!